Daycare Jitters

I knew I had to deal with daycare jitters, but I didn’t expect it to be mine.

It was Milo's first pre-visit at his prospective daycare, and I stood quietly on the side, observing how my soon-to-be-two-year-old would adapt to his new climate once he comes in for four hours twice a week.

There were many other kids, each one busy with his or her own toy and activity, while the teacher was attending to at least one other – if there was even a teacher.

As I took Milo outside to play, I noticed 5 other kids around, three of them with snot running down their noses. I didn’t find a teacher anywhere – which was a real surprise to me because I thought there should be a teacher supervising at all times.

After a good 15 minutes of these kids on their own, I finally saw a teacher come outside with another kid. Apparently, this girl was being potty trained, so the teacher had to come with her inside to potty.

But is that the norm – that the kids will be left by themselves as one other kid needs to be brought to another area? What if one of the kids outside busts his or her lip, and there is no one around? Will he or she have to wait until a teacher gets back before his injury is attended to?

When we came back inside, I let Milo go and play. He seemed to do well with me just in the sidelines, but I guess that was because he knew I was there somewhere. When one of the bigger kids scared him, he immediately came crying to me, signing “owie.” This same kid – a bigger, older one -- seemed to have made it his mission in life to prevent Milo from playing with any toy, because whatever toy my son got, he forcibly took away from him. And as I predicted, Milo didn’t cry, but he became visibly upset and frustrated, and started to hit himself as he looked to me for help.

The teacher didn’t see any of these happening because she was handling at least 9 other kids. But is this something I should expect from a place we pay to watch over my son? Am I asking for too much to want my kid supervised most of the time? Am I dreaming that my son will be comforted when he feels scared or upset when another kid tries to take his toys? Or should I just let him deal with it on his own - at only two years old? Besides, shouldn’t that other kid be told not to grab toys? Or am I really expecting too much from a daycare?

While he was playing outdoors and noticed he couldn’t find me anywhere, he started to panic, crying as he tried to go back inside, thinking I was on the other side of the door. I wanted to see what the other teachers would do (any of the three who were there), but I guess because I, the mom, was present, they didn’t think they had to handle the situation. None of them did anything, so I came to his rescue.

Maybe this was because we were on an unpaid pre-visit, so the teachers are not really expected to interact with my son or get him to warm up to his new environment.

But I’m seriously worried, because judging from what happened today, I wouldn’t know how his needs will be met if none of them will be that one person he can trust to care for him. That would have completely defeated our purpose of sending him to daycare part-time: to help him trust that he will be ok in somebody else’s care.

I truly didn't enjoy this experience. Now my gut is making me second-guess our decision. Should I listen to my gut or should I chalk up this uncomfortable feeling to a mother’s over-protectiveness and paranoia? Should I give them the benefit of the doubt and just cross my fingers that everything will be fine?

We’ll be back for a second visit on Thursday. Hopefully that will be a better experience. If not, I don’t know how much longer I can shut up this nagging voice in my head telling me we’re making the wrong decision.

Tug of War

I’ve been a fulltime mom for almost two years – since the day my baby was born. And I’ve finally figured out why this job isn’t exactly giving me the fulfillment I was expecting it to.

It’s not only because I keep working even after 5pm, on weekends and holidays. Or because I don’t earn money for my own shopping sprees. Or because I don’t get to talk with fellow adults about last night’s TV show during lunch.

It’s also because it doesn’t have a performance review. No concrete appreciation for a job well done. No grades, awards or medals.

All my life, I’ve been used to reaping tangible rewards. With good grades came medals and certificates; with good job performance came raises, promotions, pats on the back from bosses and colleagues whose life I helped make a little easier.

This time, I don’t get rewarded for x number of diapers changed, or a token of appreciation for staying up all night to put my baby back to sleep. I don’t get anything back for keeping it together while my toddler throws an ear-piercing tantrum, or any pat on the back for efficient use of my time, like getting laundry and dinner done even while baby is awake.

The “rewarding feeling” I’ve heard about countless times comes in fleeting moments: when he gives me a kiss; when he runs to me squealing in delight in anticipation of a bunch of tickles; when he shows me a new dance move or says a new word.

More often than not, though, I feel worn-out by cleaning up after every mess, trying to wrestle with him during a messy diaper change and just being “on” until he falls asleep at night.

Don’t get me wrong - I do love being a mom to this sweet little boy, and knowing that I am very lucky to have the choice of staying home to raise my own kid is something I’m always grateful for. I’m amazed watching him grow from a tiny, helpless baby to a funny yet gentle little kid. He’s only little once, and I love how I can be there to comfort every owie and be the mom.

And though I know that the best people to care for and raise a child are his own parents, the parents should be happy and content to actually give the best care. A fulfilled woman makes for a better mom. But this mom has just realized that fulfillment for her includes going back to work, mingling with other adults and earning money. And getting a good performance review or nice revenues from a business I can run.

So now, these thoughts are playing tug-of-war in my head. And judging by my true feelings, I think some form of work will win.

Maybe I could work part-time, or seriously take action on one of the many business ideas we’ve been sitting on for years. It might be the best thing I can do for me, and more importantly, for Milo. Then I could have the best of both worlds: being mom, and being me.